Over this past week I been acting more like a turtle inside a shell. Not hiding but more like returning to a dark place where it’s just me. I deliberately been away from my phone except to send a text here and there, but besides that I been distant, and purposely. You can say I’ve hit another crossroad. I’m at a point in life where I feel something is near and I can’t explain it. The thoughts running through my head all screaming “get prepared, be prepared.” On top of that, I’m sensing my health be more stagnant than before. It’s my fault.

For years I have been under the influence that these particularly things are what I needed to do to get better. Several months or a few years later, it hit me that not much has changed or improved. So I thought it was time to discard what I was doing and switch things up, but not completely. Some of the things I’d been doing proved useful given the circumstances so I thought only to remove what I felt was doing more harm than good. But even that became confusing when I stumbled on some information I thought was right for me but wasn’t for others. Then I began to question everything I had come to believe and practice. Not that I’m in doubt because going back to old, useless habits is already out the picture, unless I go back to a point when it was less stressful and ease my way back into it.

I would support the knowledge I’ve accumulated so far though, but bring back certain things I stopped doing under the impression I was harming myself if I continued. This whole thought process left me frustrated because there I was, back in trial and error mode and at the least opportune time. Playing with my health has already been a wild experiment with more downs than ups. However, I feel like I can’t keep going on this way I’ve been going, and for multiple reasons aside from health.

Because if there’s one thing I can admit it’s that I could be wrong with how I’m going about this journey. Maybe not fully, but partly I’d say. I definitely recognize the errors. But the way things been looking, those errors I don’t have the time to afford much longer. I can’t say I’m not feeling the stress, otherwise I wouldn’t be in turtle mode as I mentioned earlier. But I know what time it is. I know when I look over my shoulder there’s someone there looking back at me. For me it’s a tough pill to swallow, yet I’m well aware of how dire circumstances can get. And that’s something I rather avoid at all cost, even if it means I have to go back to where I started.

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